The Daily Habit: Food

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Fat Free Fries?   No Friggin Way – AMERICA- If there’s one snack food that absolutley ebmodies America’s bohemeth jones for fattening foods, french fries would be the winner.  Sure, there’s a few hundred other snacks that are known to clog up a  human being’s internal plumbing, but those crispy rods of what Carl from Sling Blade called “french fried potaters” are hard to beat.   You can drown them with ketchup, bake them with cheddar cheese and bacon, or if on a health food kick, you can make them a key ingredient in a sissified grilled-chicken salad.  But, and this is a big but, despite their golden-fried deliciousness, they’re fried in a kiddie-sized pool of vegetable oil and there dowsed with enough salt to kill an entire break dancing class at an old folk’s home.   So, if you’re fit as a fiddle and really don’t care about your caloric intake, or a lard ass with no concerns about being fat, check out the best friggin fries America’s finest restaurants have to offer.

Best Curly Fries- Arby’s Curly Fries (Large)- 640 calories-34 g fat (5 g saturated, 0 g trans)-1,460 mg sodium-  The saltier, greasier and curlier the better.

Best Wedge Fries – Jack in the Box Bacon Cheddar Wedges- 715 calories- 45 g fat (13 g saturated, 1 g trans)- 905 mg sodium-  Keep shoving them in your fat face and they’ll wedge up the old arteries before your fourth trip to the curly fry buffet.

Best fries for your bl00d pressure- Dairy Queen Chili Cheese Fries- 1,240 calories-71 g fat (28 g saturated, 0.5 g trans)- 2,550 milligrams sodium-  Eat em up ass stomach. Anything with chili only makes it taste better, particulary when it’s chased down with a banana split and free refills on fountain drinks.

Worst Regular Order of Fries – Five Guys Fries (large)- 1,464 calories- 71 g fat (14 g saturated)- 213 mg sodium-  They must be totally awesome if five guys give two thumbs up for a regular order of fries.

Best Fries in America- Chili’s Texas Cheese Fries w/Jalapeno Ranch- 1,920 calories- 147 g fat (63 g saturated)- 3,580 mg sodium- What’s better than a pizza pan piled high with tasty chili fries at Chili’s?  Chili fries at Chili’s drowned in fierly jalapenos and ranch dressing.  (

Since those snotty Frechmen have absolutely nothing to do with the name, french fries are practically an American birthright and we’ll kick the French’s ass if they say otherwise.  They’re an iconic offering at just about every fast-food joint and greasy spoon across the country, and they taste even better when they’re combined with other unlhealthy treats like burgers, dogs, hot wings, and all of the other heart attack inducing foods Americans are hooked on.  Sure, cooking them in a boatload of oil and submerging them in artery-clogging chili, cheese, bacon and seasoned salts may make them a tad unhealthy, but what the hell good are french fries without all of the yummy fixings?  So the next time you’re undecided on what healthy meal to eat, forget all about counting calories and head to the local drive through for a triple cheeseburger value meal with the extra, extra, extra large fries with extra salt and a two liter choclate shake.  Bon appetite fatso!


~ by the115 on 03/12/2010.

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