The Daily Habit: Food

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5 Best Burgers To Make Your Ass Fat – AMERICA –  If you’re a big fat guy who hasn’t seen a 36 waist since the 6th grade, chances are you’ve enjoyed a few hundred thousand cheeseburgers over the years.  Don’t deny it.  You’re a total tub of lard and you know it, mosly because your other fat-ass buddies have busted your balls about it.  What do you care though?  You enjoy your burgers and nobody is going to tell you any different, even if you’re so fat you have to iron your pants in the driveway.  It’s triple burgers with extra cheese, double burgers with extra bacon, and a stack of singles with extra cheese, extra bacon and extra burgers.  If that’s not enough to clog your arteries,  here are 5 more delicious mounds of meat that will surely make your cholesterol level jump off the chart.

1.  Best double cheeseburger with everything- Wendy’s Double With Cheese –  It’s 700 calories, 40 g fat (17 g saturated, 2 g trans) and 1,440 mg sodium.  If that’s not enough you can get the triple with cheese and bacon, providing your not dead after whoofing down the double.

2.  Best single burger and fries- In-N-Out Burger Hamburger and French Fries- This American classic boasts 790 calories, 37 g fat (10 g saturated) and 895 mg of blissful sodium.  It’s basically a heart attack with fries so be sure to get two combos with an order of onion rings and a 2 liter of Coke to wash it all down.

3.  Best plain cheesburger- Five Guys Cheeseburgers-  At only 840 calories, 55 g fat (22.5 g saturated) and 1,050 mg sodium they don’t call it the Five Guy Special for nothing, considering they’re so freaking huge that it takes 5 guys to eat one.

4.  Best Burger brand- Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Single –  This one features 890 calories, 54 g fat (20 g saturated, 2 g trans)and 2,040 mg sodium but what did you expect for a $6 burger?  For only 6 measely clams you get a burger with more fat grams than a human head, well, maybe a premature baby’s head, but it’s still a head.

5.  Best Fast-Food Cheesburger in America- Burger King’s Triple Whopper with Cheese- Yes, this one is only 1250 calories, 84 g fat (32 g saturated, 3.5 g trans) and a solid 1,600 mg sodium.  Triple bypass is more like it.  Bring your oxygen tank slim and find a seat over by the found drinks because it’s going to be a long day filled with free refils and constant trips to the men’s room to drain your shit bag. (

Despite the fact that you’re 50 pounds overweight, a tasty cheeseburger hamburger once in a while really isn’t a terrible nutritional choice, that is if you only eat two or three at a time.  With some romaine lettuce and tomato, ketchup, and mustard, on top of a relatively small whole grain roll, a quasi-greesy burger is a high-protein treat that shouldn’t pack too much fat or too many calories.   But, if you like to get the drive-thru sampler extra, extra biggie sized every night of the weak, those vegetables and whole wheat bun aren’t doing a damn thing except taking up space.  “Welcome to All-American Burger.  Would you like to try something from our healthy choice menu tonight?” 


~ by the115 on 01/04/2010.

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