The Daily Habit: Weird News

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What the Hell is an Alabama Van Ride ? – ALBERTVILLE, ALABAMA –  In case you don’t know, there are a bunch of goddamn idiots running amock in America, and a good portion of them are from the South.   This isn’t saying that the old steretype of there’s whole bunch of incest going on, down yonder, because there is, it just means that some folks from that part of back-ass American ain’t so couth.  When this mentality perpetuates for a few generations some cultural practices of our southern bretheren are branded with a collolquialism like the West Viriginia Kick.  That’s when you go to a strip bar in Weirton and pay to have an old stripped give you a lap dance, then finish it off with a kick to the face that knocks all but three teeth out.  Or, there’s always the country and wester singer mullet that has been called the beaver tail, kentucky cut, achey-breaky-bad mistakey, and of course the Nashville neckwarmer, all of which have been named in songs.  But, there is nothing more redneck than an Alabama van ride, especially when mama’s driving the damn van.

An Alabama woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child and a blatan display of stupidity after police say she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van.  The 37-year-old woman, yes, a full grown woman, was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top like it was a horse.  After bering the van over, the woman told police the box was too damn big to go inside the van because of all of the aluminum cans they collected out on highway 67, and that her daughter was riding up there to anchor the box down. (

Get this ya’ll.  The mother told the nabs it was “pretty goddamn safe up in that box because the goddamn box was tied to the van’s roof with a goddamn clothes hanger.”   The 16-year-old daughter wasn’t injured, but she was pretty pissed that she coudn’t ride in the box anymore, and that she had to go stay with her gramma and her gramma’s boyfriend who always pulled out his false teeth and touched her with them.  She’d rather be riding in a box on top of her mom’s dirty old van rather than having a dirty old man with fast hands and false teeth ride her in his van.


~ by the115 on 10/06/2009.

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