The Daily Habit: Culture

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Why So Fat?: The American Sugar Jones- AMERICA – If you’re like a good number of Americans, you look at yourself in the mirror every night after showering and say “damn it, I’m fat.”  No matter how much you lie to yourself, there’s no way in hell you’re going to stop pigging out on your favorite foods. Yes, you MIGHT go to the gym and do a few quick sets of curls with the 5 pounders and skip some rope, before blacking out  from exhaustion in the men’s room.  Sure, you DO go to the dojo for some kickboxing on occasion, but it’s usually off to Hooters for $1 drafts of Schlitz and 100 pack of hot wings after a few kicks to the nads and a punch in the face.  But face the facts fatso, it’s your seefood diet.  You see food and then you feed your fat face because you’re addicted to it, mainly cookies, cakes, candy bars and Coke.  Or, in scientific terms, you have an incurable sugar jones so stay the hell away from this stuff or you’ll be a diabetic before breakfast.

1. Fortune cookies.  Your fortune say “you a fat ass go on diet.”

2. Flavored booze.  Ok, skip this one.  You’re a fat loser and need booze to forget.

3. Dried, sweetened cranberriesA box of these with a bottle of cheap vodka does that to you every time.

4.  Ketchup.  You’re supposed to put in on your cheeseburger, not bathe in it.

5. Cream substitutesYou like a little coffee with your cream Shakes?

6. BBQ sauce.  Buy it by the bottle, not by the case, Bubba.

7. “Reduced” salad dressings.  They aren’t reducing anything other than the flavor of the real stuff.

8. Lemonade.  Milk, milk, lemonade round the corner fudge is made.  Enough said.

9. Granola bars.  The granola tastes like dirty hay but the carmel and chocolate are freaking awesome.

10. Flavored popcorn.  The popcorn flavor of the month club is no place to meet women. (

With this in mind, it’s time to take a cold, hard look at your fat ass in the mirror and finally take a stand against all of the good, sugary foods that are bad for you.  No more palettes of Frankenberrry cereal or boxes of Ho Hos and certainly no more WingKing at 4 a.m,  or food shopping at Costco.  If you tell yourself you’re a total fat ass and need to lose weight and get healthy it will work wonders, if you believe in yourself.  On the other hand, you’re still fat and have told yourself this very thing a million times.  If you know you’re a liar and will never listen to anything you say get out the bucket of cereal and gallon of milk and wash it down with a 12 pack of Coke.  It’s better to be fat and happy instead of thin and bitchy.



~ by the115 on 09/08/2009.

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