The Daily Habit: Psychology

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10 Ways to Totally Blow an Interview- With times being so tough nowadays, people can’t be too picky when it comes to accepting a job offer.  Sure, you could have that Ph.D. in finance, accompanied by 10 years of experience, but that doesn’t mean squat if your were an acccountant for Bernie Madoff, unless some other crook is looking to hire a seasoned financial scam artist.  Since that degree in money laundering isn’t going to do much for a long while, you might want consider other means of employment, and don’t be so damn picky.  There are plenty of other losers who are worse off, and they’d do just about anything to earn a paycheck.  If you really don’t care about finding a job, and prefer to loaf around on your ass for the next year collecting unemployment, keep these 10 things in mind when you’re trying to screw up an interview.

1. Be a smiley face.  Laugh at everything they say, and smile, smile away.  That way they’ll think you’re on drugs and will just throw your resume in the trash after they toss you out.

2. Be a small-talker.  Don’t say too much, do nothing but mumble, and say “no” to every question they ask.

3. Let the sweat flow.  Nobody wants a fat, sweaty, nervous guy at work.  There’s plenty of them around now.

4. Be a road block.  Let them know you’ll get in the way of everything they’re trying and that you will never be a team player.  There is no “I” in team, but there certainly is a “me.”

5. Be petty.  Asking stupid questions about lunch breaks and drug tests will show them you’re totally incapable of holding a real job.

6. Be a liar.  You should lie on your resume to get a job, but you should also lie even more when not trying to get a job.  Who likes an honest co-worker who doesn’t steal or sleep around the office anyway?

7. Don’t be a bad comedian.  Everbody loves the office comedian, but nobody likes the office asshole. 

8. Be high-maintenance.  Tell them you want the most amount of money to do the least amount of work, and a secretary who likes to keep the boss happy in the lunch room, after hours.

9. Be a time-waster.  There’s nothing like a three hour, four martini lunch, especially if they’re footing the bill.

10. Be a backstabber.  It’s every man for himself so bring a knife for each hand (

No matter how good your are, or how awesome your resume looks,  if you screw up that job interview intentionally, you sure as hell ain’t going to get that position, but you will get that free unemployment money for the next year or so.  In today’s tough economy you need every possible edge to when it comes to blowing off a new job.  If your slacking kung fu is good, you should have no problems hanging around your dojo all day watching karate movies and eating chinese food, all on the government’s dime.  Why not?  That’s what enemployments for.


~ by the115 on 08/25/2009.

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