The Daily Habit: Culture

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3 Ways to Screw Up Your Resume-  If you’re reading this column right now chances are you’re unemployed, or are about to be if you keep playing internet at work.  Times are tough so it’s basically every man for himself.  You’ve got to look out for number one or number two will be putting that knife if your back really soon.  If that does happen, and it just might, it’s time to brush the dust off the resume and start trolling the want ads for another job that pays $50k a year for sitting around and doing nothing.  When you do find something, be very sly about what you put on that resume because if you really were Bernie Madof’s assistant in the scandal, you might not want to reveal that till after you get the job.   So. unless you feel pretty good about 12 months of unemployment checks and watching tv in your underpants all night while stoned silly, here’s three ways to totally scew up your resume.

1.  Don’t do your homework.  Tell them you’re so dum you can’t even remember your own phone number, so you sure as hell won’t remember theirs.

2.  Don’t focus on your job accomplishments. You haven’t realy accomplished anything so why tell them about it?

3.  Don’t Keep it Short and Powerful.  The longer list of b.s. the better your chances of having that thesis flushed down the crapper (http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/career-experts-_how_can_my_resume_help_me_stand_out_in_a_tough_market-94).

So, for all of  you lazy, jobless lackers out there remember, when times are tough, unemployment is at record highs, and job seekers aren’t returning your calls, it is even more crucial that your resume is the absolute worst that it can be. You have to think of your resume as an advertisement for you and since you want to have a year’s free vacation on the state, how can you package your experiences and credentials on one piece of paper so the recruiting director knows you aren’t even close to being the right person for the job?  That’s easy.  Do all of the above and get those jammies ready because rejection is right around the corner, but so is the mailman with the unemployment checks.

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~ by the115 on 07/12/2009.

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