The Daily Habit: Psychology

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It’s not Dear Abby, It’s Dear Cabbie- Are you one of those people who have lots of issues in your life and feel you need to lift the burden of your suffering by telling every Tom, Dick and Jane your pathetic troubles?   Do you call up the late radio night talk shows and pester the dj for advice on how to solicit sex from an old hooker?  Are the people at work walking around ignoring your every look while they pretend to be listening to their immitation iPods?  If so, leave those poor people the hell alone an pay a professional to bore to death.  If that doesn’t work you could always write a letter or email to Dear Cabbie and he’ll be sure to enlighten you with his wisdom.  Yes, it’s Dear Cabbie, not Dear Abby, so get used to the way this guy handles his business by reading a few of his prized columns.

Dear Cabbie: Yo buddy, my friggin 16-year-old stepson has issues getting up for school and getting there on time.  My wife and I are  always fighting over what we should do about it.  I say he’s old enough to be getting himself up for freakin school and should suffer the consequences if he’s late, like a few weeks of detention in the boiler room or a few friggin punches to the gut.  She thinks I should just walk up the stairs get him up on my own, then take him to school like some kind of little friggin kid. She works the late shift at the brewery and doesn’t crawl in until after lunch, which means I’m stuck dealing with the little prick myself.  Whachu think? Should I kill the little goof or what?– STEPDAD from da BRONX (

DEAR STEPDAD: If your stepson is having trouble prying himself out of bed in the mornings, it may be that he’s out partying all night and needs to bring his freakin ass home a hell of a lot earlier.  And, your wife needs to consider what will happen to him when you are no longer around, and what will happen to her when he’s not around.  That’s why it’s important to start training that punk now.  You march up those stairs, kick in the door as hard as you can, walk over and grab that little bastard by his neck, tell him to get his head out of his ass pronto, then start choking the shit out of him til he turns blue.  If that doesn’t work we’ll duct tape him, stuff him in the trunk of my cab, then I’ll drive his ass all  over town.  Badda bing, badda boom.  Problem solved.

Dear Cabbie: My wife and I have a shack up in the mountains of West Virginia we like to call our home away from home. Occasionally my goes up there for a week or so with her best friend who’s one sneaky bitch. While she’s away, I miss her badly and can’t wait for her to call so I can hear her voice. The problem is she doesn’t seem to miss me or even care if I’m alive or dead.  Most times she doesn’t call when she’s up there and after she comes home she says she misses me, for the most part, if there’s nothing else to do.  She says it’s common for peple to have fun on vacation and it shouldn’t matter if she’s not thinking about me.   So, do I have an issue, does my wife have an issue, or do WE have an issue? — LONELY HUSBAND in  BETHANY (

DEAR LONELY HUSBAND:  When a man says he feels lonely when his friggin bitch of a wife is gone, and his friggin bitch of a wife says she couldn’t wait to get away from a loser like you,you BOTH  definitely have problems. Also, it appears you are extremely dependent upon your spouse and could benefit from developing some outside interests or getting some freakin  friends of your own.  You better make it quick because your wife is screwing an illiterate coal miner who has six kids with his sister, and she’s about to leave your freakin sorry ass for him.  So, go get a hotel room in town, buy a bottle of cheap wine at the gas station, and call a hillbilly hooker because you won’t be boinking your freakin wife ever again buddy.

So, folks, if you are having problems like the two losers above, don’t go bugging your friends or family about it, and don’t get your hopes up thinking Dear Abby is going to come to your emotional rescue because it just ain’t happening.  Aside from jumping off a bridge or getting hooked on crack, the only other alternative is to write Dear Cabbie and pray that he feels sorry enough to respond. If he does, listen to what he says, then do it.  It’s a hell of a lot better than boo hooing to Dear Abby in a nationally syndicated newspaper column, and it’s sound advice from a man who has heard and seen everything, right in the backseat of his stinky old cab. 



~ by the115 on 05/27/2009.

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