The Daily Habit: Television

Story photo: Kirstie Alley: 'Yes, I Gained 83 Pounds' 11:59 pm

I’m Kirstie Alley and I’ve Always Been Fat  Have you noticed how just about everybody in Hollywood puts on weight, then the media follows them around like zombies looking for fresh brains?  Once the big secret gets loose it’s front page news.  Oprah wants John Travoltao to come on the show so she can tell him he blew up to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle and to seek help.  They both boo hoo for the whole goddamn show, he hits the gym for a few months and does an eight ball between sets, then he’s back showing off what seems to be his same old gut, only smaller,  and those huge lipo scars he tried to cover up.  Oprah has nerve though because she could be the host and guest for the very same show since it’s no secret she’s a fat ass too, but she has a good cycle going…. fat, tummy tuck, fat, face lift, fat, ass chop, etcetera, etcetera.    The moral is Hollywood makes you or breaks you, but not for poor old Kirstie Alley.  She’d be the first one to amdit that she’s always been fat.

When Alley stepped on the scale for the first time in 15 months, it wasn’t pretty. “I started screaming oh my God, my ass and hips are friggin huge.  It said 248 lbs., which is the fattest I’ve ever, ever been. I was so much more fat and disgusting than I thought!”   When she was repping for Jenny Craig she magically trimmed down to a svelt 145 pounds, but they gave her the boot in 2007 because she couldn’t keep the weight off.  After the embarassment of being fired for getting fat she went on a two year feeding frenzy and didn’t stop till recently when she decided to tell the world all about it (

Okay, how did this happen. How did you get so fat, again?  “Well, after I was fired from Jenny Craig the big money stopped coming so I couldn’t afford to support my meth habit anymore.  Don’t kid yourself.  It wasn’t the Jenny Craig that got me skinny, it was the crank.”

Did you go right back to indulging in cakes and grape sodas the way you did when you gained weight the first time?  Yes.  When I couldn’t find real television work I just repped all kinds of snack products and the fat on my ass went to town real fast because they kept giving freebies.”

What else would you eat?  “Lots of stuff like candy, cookies, 3 foot pizzas, deep fried turkeys, layer cakes, and you know what hot wings are, right? Well, I would get buckets and buckets of hot turkey wings since they have more meat on them.  And, you know, just about anything else to tag the weight on.”

What weight do you want to get down to?  Well,  I’d like to think I could get back down around 150, but I’d have to get back on meth to do that, or maybe I could go on a coke bender for a few months, but somebody would have to pay for it.  Working out and dieting isn’t doing shit for me right now so synthetic is the only way to go.”

Are you self-conscious?  “Yes and when it bothers me I go spend an hour or two and the Pizza Hut buffet. After 4 or 5 pizzones and a diet pepsi, I tend to forget all about being fat.”

But you seem ready to turn your life around.  “Yes, but like I said, somebody would have to find a really good connection, and they’d have to pay for it.  I don’t see any other way I’m going to lose 100 pounds any time soon.”

Thanks Kirstie. It’s nice of you to be so comfortable about your weight gain and past speed habit.  Hopefully you’ll get back on crack and will cut the weight soon. 


~ by the115 on 05/08/2009.

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