The Daily Habit: Politics

President Barack Obama walks from the Oval Office along the West Wing Colonnade 9:12 pm

Dear Mr. President. Please Help. My Life Sucks-  By now, everybody with a brain in America realizes that Barack Obama is no joke.  He’s been busting his hump to clean up Little Georgie Bush’s screw-ups, and there’s not doubt W made a ton of them each and every day he was in office.  Aside from the middle east oil wars and financial collapse of the American banking system, Obama has focused his efforts on other important domestic issues like the environment and education.  Hell, he’s so driven by what’s good for the public that he began to asnwer 10 emails a day from regular Joes and Janes.  But, when you begin to reach out the to half-wits and poverty stricken street hustlers, there’s bound to be some goddamn ridiculous emails that makes the lad laugh in his loafers.  Here’s a few he passed around to the boys at his favorite rib joint in D.C.

Deer Kaiser Obama,  I am former hit man for the KGB but I fled country with only my bag of balls and one of those funny fur hats Russian Mafia men like.  Can I please have political asylum?  If yes, I can gurantee lots of tax dollars from import of Russia mail-order brides.  I have oen for you, free of charge, if your wife into swinging fun.   Singed Fyodor Drunksi,

Dearest Mr. Drunksi, Hello and thanks for your kind offer.  I am not able to offer you asylum at this time so you will have to leave the country immediately. I don’t want to end up on Vlad’s hit list so you’ll have to find another hiding place.  Try that maniac Hugo Chavez.  He’ll do anything for money.  Best, Barack.

Hello Mr. President, My name is Jeff Corwin and I’m currently under federal indictment for housing endangered primates, but mostly because one of my naughty monkeys escaped and mauled  a few 3rd graders on the playground.  I mean the kids are okay and everything, aside from the one who needed her arm reattached, but I was hoping you might be able to commute my sentence and get my monkeys back for me.  They might go crazy if I’m not around.  Peace, Jeff.

Yo, B.O.  What’s up, cuz?  I’m hitting you up to complain about the propaganda my former boss is spewing.  That white devil fired me for allegedly breaking into the office and stealing money. This is blasphemy my brother.  Yes, it does look like me on the tape, but it must have been my long-lost identical twin brother or something.  Can you please send a little something extra in my welfare and unemployment checks.  Black Power, Shabazz Shamgod Shabazz.

Mr. Shabazz,  First, my name isn’t B.O. Second, I’m definitely not your cousin.  Third, I saw the tape and there’s no doubt it’s you wearing panty hose over your afro.  Last, get off welfare and get a damn job, boy.  Your exhulted leader of the lost tribe of Shabazz.  Barack Hussein Obama  (

So, folks. President Obama is known as a pretty good communicator and he’s a good man for the people. He made a name for himself with soaring speeches and he’s held virtual town halls and took the live version to Europe.  Shucks, he even built a bowling alley in the White House complete with a deepy fryer for wings and a fridge for 40s of Old E. But, keep one thing in mind, if you have the balls to write a ridiculous email, know that it will be passed around capital hill like the office hoe at a Christmas party.  As always, stupid questions get stupid answers.  Big ups to Obama for keeping it real.


~ by the115 on 04/22/2009.

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