The Daily Habit: Culture
5 Ways to Handle a Lazy-Ass Waiter- Chances are you’re a hard-working guy who values a dollar. You bust your hump hard all week, you have a pain in the neck boss who you’d like to choke on the hour, and you basically put up with a bunch of crap for next to nothing on payday. So, when you have the time, and cash, to go out for a night on the town, you want a good meal at a decent price, one that’s prepared and served by professionals. But, we all know that’s only a dream come true because there is no such thing as a professional waiter, at least not in the greasy spoons you eat in. Most every waiter in a juke jive dive could give a shit less about your burnt toast of how he took a friggin hour to get you a clean salad fork. If this a common experience at your favorite feed bucket, try one of these 5 tricks to put that lazy-ass in his place.
1. They’re servers not servants. No they aren’t. They’re hear to do one thing: wait on you hand on foot, so tell that lazy schmuck to get his ass over to your table with that toothpick, now.
2. Not everything that goes wrong in a restaurant is the servers’ fault. Yes it is his fault. He’s the one who took your order, and he’s the one who brought that slop to your table. Blame that plate of dog food on him every time, and tell him to take it back or he’s going to be wearing it home.
3. One way to avoid bad service is to eat at the bar, a favorite tactic of restaurant insiders. Why, so the bartender can get you loaded and steal your money all night? No way. Drunks puke at the bar, and on the bar.
4. If you do get a waiter-from-hell there are a few courses to take. 1. Tell him he’s going to get a really shitty tip if he sticks his coke nail in the butter dish. 2. Pistol whip him in private. That way he’ll know that now means right this friggin second, not later. 3. Remind him that people can drown in a bowl of green pea soup.
5. If all else fails, write the restaurant (or, more specifically, the owner) a letter explaining the situation. Dear owner of the dirtiest diner in town, the waiter with the black fingernails and crystal meth breath needs to go to rehab really soon. That prick never came back with our change (http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/5-tips-for-handling-a-bad-waiter-432209).
So, as paying customers, how should we deal with piss poor waiters who could give a flying fishstick about your food? You count to five, then run out to the alley where all of the other lousy waiters are gathered, you grab that little fruitypants by his purple polo shirt and proceed to slap him around like man-slapping was back in style. After a few “Well, I nevers” by the peanut gallery your service will no doubt improve before you finish that bowl of Vichysucks.
